Wow, I don’t know where to start – thank you very much for your reply.
I have already been writing some of my thoughts down for a while, but I never thought about publishing them; do you mean in a blog or something like that? I’m not really sure how to go about this, but it makes complete sense. For all my talk about making change it never occurred to me that I could start so soon; I always just assumed I’d have to learn more about myself and the world before I could make a difference.
And I do intend to finish my last year of college, although I have little care for my grades anymore. I agree that I should stop worrying too and be at peace, but that’s where problems arise. I can’t feel at peace because I’m always uncomfortable. My problem now is that nothing feels real to me anymore. I feel like I’m living some kind of fiction in which I go through the motions. I listen to people talking about their day to day lives and their seemingly carefree approach to everything and it just feels wrong; like they’re deluding themselves.
And yet I do exactly the same! I nod along and smile, crack jokes and pretend nothing’s changed, hiding my real feelings from everyone.
I even find all my friends feel strange to me now; I have no way to relate to them apart from through the ‘pointless distractions’ I’m trying to avoid and they don’t seem to notice. So how then can I be at peace? I’m not so much worried about the future as I am angry about the present. Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t in any way take what I have for granted; I understand how privileged I am even to be able to type this, but I can’t accept it. That too is another source of anger for me; I watch myself essentially living in luxury knowing full well the suffering others face.
I know happiness comes from within too. That was one of the lessons I was reminded of on the road, when I’d naively thought that just by being away from it all I’d be automatically happy. As closely as freedom and happiness are intertwined, I understand that. And yet there were so many times out there when I smiled; a genuine smile for all sorts of reasons, big and small; as opposed to so few times I really feel happy when I’m at home. Simply being myself often made me happy, and in this environment I don’t feel I can be myself.